Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Murphy Who?

Do you believe in karma? Or what goes around? Or comeuppances? You know, like "Nasty little men like yourself always get their comeuppances." (Hehe. If you can tell me what movie that is from, leave me a comment and I'll try and come up with a prize! Geez I crack myself up!) Anyway, back on subject. I've always believed in karma. There are just some things that happen that are so absolutely and utterly deserved, there really is no other explanation for them. And isn't it wonderful when they happen to someone else and you can sit back and laugh at them? ;-) Even so, karma isn't always very consistent, and often not very speedy. Have you noticed this? Karma seems to me to be a very strike-when-and-where-I-feel-like-it sort of power. Probably of the female persuasion.

But I've come to notice recently that there is another power out there that is much more consistent, accurate and just as vindicitive, (though not necessarily derived from any derserving word or action). So much so that the name we've given it indicates that it is force to be reckoned with: Murphy's Law. I've noticed its appearance more and more recently, mostly in traffic. I'm not saying Murphy only likes to hang out on the public streets during rush hour, because you cannot help but notice his influence throughout all areas of your life. This is just where I've noticed him most the last few days. Murphy has developed quite a few laws in dealing with traffic, and it appears that they are only intensified during rush hour. For instance, if you are attempting to make a right-hand turn at a red light or stop sign, there will always, always be a vehicle of higher profile than yours that will pull up next to you in such a manner as to completely and totally inhibit the view of on-coming traffic. In this situation you are unable to go anywhere, since seeing around them requires the contortionist's move of laying the entire top half of your body forward across the steering wheel, craning your neck and head forward until they resemble that of a giraffe and inching your car forward ever so slowly until your vehicle's whole front end is sticking out in the lane, virtually guaranteeing that you will lose that front end. (Incidentally, the most recent offending vehicle in my case was what could only be called a monster truck in neon yellow that had somehow forgotten to stop in his lane until his front bumper had crossed the OUTSIDE line of the crosswalk.)

Another law: people who buy high end vehicles forget how to drive. You know what I mean by high end - BMW, Mercedes, Lexus, Mustang, etc. I have even seen this bleed over into Cadillac and Lincoln, but they seem to be the exception. I have no idea what it is, but when you place your cash down to purchase one of these vehicles, it must also be part of the purchase contract that you allow them to do a mindmeld and erase everything you ever knew about driving. I've also noticed that age has no bearing on this law whatsoever. You can be 16 or 86 and the result is the same. No knowledge of the rules of the road - at all! In addition, it seems to affect people at both extremes. These vehicles cause you to either go extremely slow or extremly fast, there is no in between. You either forget what a turn signal is, or forget how to turn it off. And breaks! I think they sell you certain models based on your age. The younger you are the less effective the breaks are. The youngest drives have none at all. And the oldest drivers, well I don't think those models come with a gas pedal. But believe me, they all come with headlights set to permanent flashing get-out-of-my-way mode. If you see one of these drivers coming your way, know that Murphy has worked his voodoo and switch lanes fast!

Murphy also works on the stoplights too. It's a guarantee that if you are running late two things will happen: #1 no one else in the entire town/city/metropolis will be in a hurry but you, and #2 every traffic light will turn red upon your vehicle's approach. Every one! If I had no knowledge of Murphy's existance I would assume it's some sort of sick, twisted conspiracy!

Unfortunately Murphy does not confine his laws to the rat race on the streets. One of the biggest of his laws I've noticed in every day life is, extra efforts to prevent something from happening will simply ensure that it does. For instance, when bringing a three-year-old into your office during a work day, repeated mentioning of the need for quiet will only result in her talking to other people at the top of her lungs and giggling uncontrollably as loud as her little giggle box will allow. Another example: planning a trip well in advance, complete with precautions with your health, will only result in one or all members of your family becoming deathly ill just days before you are scheduled to leave. Murphy doesn't always do things on such a grand scale with this law. For example, taking a three-year-old to the doctor only because she says her ear hurts (in an effort to head off the ear infection that's coming on) will only result in the diagnosis that she is perfectly fine with no sign of infections whatsoever. (It also results in the doctor doing her very best to TRY to find something wrong, so you don't feel you've wasted your hour and a half and your $20 co-pay.)

So, with his ever present influence in our lives, I think there's really only a little something I want to know. Who the hell is Murphy and who decided to give him all this power? And where can I find him? Anyone want to join up with my posse?

No comments: